Ripped from today's headlines

From the first page of the sports section of today's Chicago Tribune:

(In a story about the Masters golf tournament) Shark attack: The new groom (Mr. Chris Evert) and perennial bridesmaid (three second-place finishes) returns to Augusta for the first time since 2002 - and as the sentimental favorite

Yes, but who is it? The reader must guess.

And:

(In a story about yesterday's White Sox loss) The Sox were shut out 11 times last season, but they couldn't produce an extra-base hit after seizing a 4-2 victory on Jim Thome's dramatic three-run homer in Tuesday's regular-season opener.

This sentence is just a train wreck.

Any chance we can get John McIntyre, professional copy editor, to move to Chicago?